35 Weeks 3 Days: Happy Birthday, Tater Tot

Today, September 10, 2011, is Tater Tot's birthday--the day I birthed her to Heaven. It does not feel like a year. It's very hard to believe. One year ago was a very sad, hopeless day, but look at us now.

I think that all women react differently to having a miscarriage. And that's okay. You do what you have to do to go on. Some women view it as something that just happens because something isn't right. Some women are very sad in the beginning, but are able to move on quickly from it knowing that they can try again--have another baby. I was devastated, and I stayed sad for a very long time. I stayed angry for a very long time. Even though I am pregnant with another little girl, I still find myself crying for Tater Tot. I still find myself feeling angry that she had to die when something so simple could have saved her.

In my mind, I hesitate to mention that it's her birthday. I think that most people would not view it as a birthday. I think that most people would not view Tater Tot as one of my children. I think that most people would not even view her as a real person. I have to view her that way, though. I have never been able to, in good conscience, say that I only have two children (Gabriel and our newest little sweetheart). I think it's because of Gabriel. I don't think his life was more significant or that he was more my child just because he happened to be 19 weeks older when he was born--just because his heart was still beating when he was born.

I am still heartbroken over losing Tater Tot. I still miss her. I still want her. I still wonder about her beauty. I thank her, though, for her great sacrifice. Because of her, I can start this blog post with "35 Weeks 3 Days." Little Sister is almost here!