16 Weeks 3 Days: Mommy Meltdown

I told you a few days ago how I was on Cloud 9 and couldn't be happier and didn't know what to do with all this happiness. Well, that didn't last very long.

Yesterday afternoon, at the end of my workday, I decide to reread my recent blog post because I received so many positive responses. Then, I of course look at the ultrasound pictures again since they are at the bottom of the post. I start to look at the picture of the brain and notice the angles on both sides. She has a strawberry shaped head! I thought.

I search for pictures on the internet of fetal head shapes. I compare my baby's head to a strawberry shaped head and to a normal shaped head. I can tell, it looks strawberry shaped. So the meltdown begins.

When my husband sees me after work, he immediately wants to know why I've been crying. I say I don't want him to yell at me. I don't want him to say I'm being irrational or hormonal. But I can't help it. I start to sob uncontrollably. I tell him between sobs that I don't want her to die! That I can see that she has a strawberry shaped head. That our sonographer doesn't know everything, or maybe she's just tired of telling us bad news.

The sobbing continues, and I can't catch my breath. He thinks I'm being ridiculous, but he's ready to take me to the hospital before I really lose it. He calls my sister who thinks I'm having a panic attack and wants me to go to the hospital, too. I, of course, don't want to go.

It is Friday evening, so my doctor's office is closed. My husband calls anyway and speaks with the on-call doctor, who I've never met. We tell her my history, and she assures me that after seven ultrasounds she is 100% sure a strawberry shaped head would have been detected. I thank her and hang up, but I don't believe her.

What is a strawberry shaped head? It is a head shape associated with lethal chromosome anomalies. Gabriel had a strawberry shaped head. I know my little girl doesn't have triploidy syndrome like her brother. I know that because her brain is developing nicely, she always measures right on target with her gestational age, and our placenta is healthy. Still, I know what I see, and I don't know why the sonographer didn't see it. She just keeps telling me my baby is perfect. Why can't I believe her?

Here's what I've decided to do: I'll call my sonographer on Monday and tell her my concerns. She will then tell me that no, my baby does not have a strawberry shaped head or she would have told me. I will then tell her that I need her to look again because I can't handle the stress. She will say I can come anytime. Then, I'm going to ask my doctor about having a Level II ultrasound with a maternal fetal medicine specialist. I had this with Gabriel. I think it will make me feel a lot better to have two people tell me that my baby girl is perfect. Don't you?

Until then . . . I can't help it. I'm so scared, and I can only imagine the only thing that I know. Lord, help me!