Tater Tot’s test results finally came back: 46XX – a perfect little girl.
What’s harder to hear? That my baby died because of chromosome abnormalities – again, or, “Whew! She was perfect. It was just a fluke.” Right now, I can’t answer that question.
Of course, I’m glad to hear that I didn’t produce a child with a chromosome abnormality – that my future in reproduction is still looking bright, but my heart aches to know that a precious, perfect girl just slipped out of my grasp.
I know this was our fault. We were under too much stress during her short life, and we knew that when we chose to get pregnant when we did. We just thought, “Nine months is a long time. Things will be better then.” They would have, too, but now she’s gone. I never imagined that stress or crying or fighting could take her from me. Lord knows I was under stress during my pregnancy with Gabriel, both from life and from carrying a child that was going to die, but come Hell or high water, my body just wouldn’t let him go. Why did it give up so easily this time?
My loyal readers don’t know the real Mrs. Skinny. All you ever read is how I praise Him and thank Him for the miracles in my life. I do, but my internal struggle with God goes something like this:
1st Pregnancy:
Bonnie: I really, really want a girl, but I’ll be happy with whoever you give me. (Cut to Bonnie fantasizing about having a girl and feeling deflated at the prospect of having a boy.)
God: You didn’t want a boy. Okay, he’s gone. Poof!
2nd Pregnancy:
Bonnie: Lord, I really will be happy with whoever you give me as long as it’s healthy. (Cut to Bonnie fantasizing about having a boy and fearing that a girl could never heal her heart or make her arms feel good again.)
God: You didn’t want a girl. Okay. Poof! She’s gone, but she is healthy!
Bonnie: Please, God. Please, God. Please! Please make me pregnant with a healthy baby with 46 chromosomes and a healthy body with perfect organs and a whole entire beautiful brain that I get to keep and bring home. Please, God. Please! And You can just surprise me on the sex of the baby.
God:
Is that what He is really saying? Is that how He really is? What do you think?
I believe that God has a plan for us and that His plan does not include torturing us with things like, "If you think it, I will take it away." I know how you feel because I feel like, "Well, if we change this or that, maybe it would have made a difference." But really, God already had a plan for Tater Tot before she was born. -Skyler
ReplyDeleteI have heard part of your story through Amy Gammon, and my heart breaks for you both. I can't imagine the heartache you go through everyday. But your faith in God is and will be a light to so many people.
ReplyDeleteThe LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the hornof my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2
i know the internal stuggle must be hard, but only God knows the real reasons why this has happened to u. Our thoughts can get the best of us, but God does not punish us for out hopes or wants, if he did we would all be in trouble. You are a strong, faithful woman of God. Maybe He thought that u weren't as ready for tater tot as u thought u were. No one has the answers, but with faith and support, u will get through this. Don't let your thoughts get the best of you. Trust that God will bless u with a child in His timing, as hard as that can be He knows when u are ready for that blessing. My love and Prayers for your family...Amanda
ReplyDeleteI have tried to comment, and it just erased!
ReplyDeleteOk...I will try again, because this is important!!! NO! I don't think this is what God is saying, and I don't think this is the way He is!!! You have been on such an emotional roller coaster, and it must be so hard for you. Just remember that God is SO much bigger than our thoughts! He is so much more powerful than any thought we could ever have. I believe that God has a plan for our life, and a purpose for His people. We can't possibly understand or even see the whole plan that God sees! But it is there, and He is in control. Let that be your comfort. You are glorifying the Lord by telling little Gabriel's story!!! What an encouragement you are to other Mommy's who's babies were born with angel wings! What a blessing you are! And little Tater Tot~~she has brought hope to your heart! You can now know that there is hope for a baby in your future to be born without a chromosome abnormality.
ReplyDeleteI hope I have been able to be an encouragement to you Bonnie! Have a blessed week, and know that I will be praying for you!~~Brenda
"The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10
ReplyDeleteI absolutely do not think that is how God is. I don't think He's waiting to reach down and squash us, everytime we have a silly thought. If that were true, wow.....I have millions of stupid thoughts every day that He could act upon. I do think that Satan torments us with our thoughts. Don't let him do that, Bon. God loves you and wants the best for you.
That makes more sense than just about anything I've heard, Ame. I love you. I love how you know me.
ReplyDeleteBonnie...he is absolutely beautiful! After talking with you, and now having read your blog I'm 100% sure I was suppose to call you. In case I went to fast yesterday, it's Mal. 3:11, destroy(cast off, batter, corrupt),fruits(reward), ground(husband), cast her fruit before the time(miscarry). Ex.23:25-26, Job 22:23, be built up(obtain children). These definitions are from the Strong's Hebrew & Greek dictionaries. Cling to these promises!!
ReplyDeleteI love what Ame said-- and she articulated what I was trying to encourage you with when I saw you at the Fall Fun Fest-- I'll add a scripture to that:
ReplyDelete2 Cor. 10:4-5 "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ"
I also received a Word from God when I read your post for the first time. I've prayed about what to post and feel lead to give you the following.
Replace those thoughts of the Enemy with these thoughts:
Philippians 4:6-9
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Meditate on These Things
8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. 9 The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you."
He also brought back to my attention Romans 8. Read it and receive it :), through revelation from the Holy Spirit. I like the whole Chapt. but especially like vs. 18-39. God is wanting to encourage you! Love you, Bon!
I saw a link to your blog on a FB page of someone I work with, and I just want to say that I don't know your personally, but I am very sorry for your losses. I lost four babies myself, and I know that it is extremely difficult. I have been blessed with two children, a 6 yr. old and a 1 yr. old, so know that there is always hope. I hope that you are seeing a good perinatologist or specialist to help you along. I will keep you in my prayers and hope to see that you have a little one someday soon!
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the upcoming weekend!
Heather