That was the theme of the 2010 Fairfield Fall Fun Fest – at least for me, anyway. Ever since I found out Gabriel was going to pass away, I have longed to hold a baby in my arms, especially a baby boy. Whenever I see a woman holding a baby I always ask her (in my mind), “Can I hold your baby?” I never really ask, though. Who wants to let a crazy woman hold her baby and pretend he/she is her own? I just stare at them jealously and then go home and cry my eyes out to Gabriel in one of my many never-to-be-sent letters to him.
I told Gabriel in one of my letters:
“They think seeing a baby or holding a baby will cause me pain or worsen my pain, that avoiding babies will keep me from hurting as much, but they don’t realize the longing that I have - how unnatural it is to have empty arms after having a full womb.
I thought about why I would like to hold a baby boy even though I would be trading just moments of relief only to relinquish it for the aching in my heart that would surely double after just a taste of what I’m missing:
It’s like I’m suffocating, and if another mommy would just let me hold her baby boy it would be like letting me breathe her air.
It’s like I’ve had outstretched arms waiting for you to fall into them, but you don’t, and if another mommy would just let me hold her baby boy, it would be like offering respite to my quivering arms.
It’s like when your heart stopped beating, Gabriel, my heart stopped beating, too, and if another mommy would just let me hold her baby boy, it would be like lending me her heartbeat.”
So, this weekend I didn't hold back. I took full advantage of every mommy's sorry heart for me and asked to “borrow” their babies for just a few minutes. They gladly obliged. I wish I would have known it was that easy six months ago.
I held all these babies in between sprints of making a few hundred BBQ Nachos at a time. Fairfield is addicted to them . . . tortilla chips, pulled pork, nacho cheese, pickles, red onions, black olives, jalepenos, and sour cream. Oh, my gosh. It is sooooo good. We also sold pulled pork sandwiches, baby back ribs (they sold out quick!) and, of course, Mrs. Skinny's Lemon Shake-Ups. We were so busy, and now we are so tired.
***A pic of all our Fall Fun Fest cash!!!
You can hold Canaan any time-- although not quite as gentle and cuddly as he once was, he's still pretty precious. And so was Gabriel. Holding him was one of the greatest honors of my life. Love you, Bonnie!
ReplyDeleteAwww. Thank you. Nothing means more to me than for someone to have held Gabriel.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Ang...you can come and hold Stella ANYTIME!!! She really seemed to like you. :) I love you and you are still in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYour picture looks like...the front of a book cover.
ReplyDeleteBonnie,
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean by wanting to hold every baby, we are going on a year now of "trying" to have our first baby, I even love to hear about the trials and tribulations of mommy's going through their pregnancy and I will ask how does this feel or how does that feel. I havent got to read all of your blog, but I will! You are a great writer and I will continue to read!
Those cute little feet ought to be on the front of a book, shouldn't they? Thanks, Anonymous!
ReplyDeleteBonnie,
ReplyDeleteYou really make me cry and I think that my lovely husband is starting to think I'm crazy. I sit at the kitchen table and just cry. You have done a great job writing all of your blogs, I think I have finally read all of them! Love you!
He shouldn't think you are crazy. He knows my heart about my babies. He should read my blog, too. Tell him Aunt Bonnie said, "Get to readin'!"
ReplyDelete