Today is day two of the 2010 Fairfield Fall Fun Fest. This is Phat Skinny's BBQ's third year at the FFF as I like to call it. This year's festival was full of two things that left Mrs. Skinny dangling on the edge of an emotional breakdown:
BEES
There were bees everywhere! Mrs. Skinny's Lemon Shake-ups (apparently a.k.a. Nector of the Gods by the Queen Bee) was a serious attraction for the flying pests. All day we battled the creatures in vain. We used a battery operated bug zapper/badminton racket to turn many of them into crispy critters. I sprayed them with bleach (I actually felt bad about this, though.). We swatted them with a spatula (It always attracts customers when they see you swatting at insects with your cooking utensils.). There was no way to discourage the thirsty, sugar-sucking monsters. I just wanted to scream at them and throw a tantrum and cry and beg them to leave us alone!
BABIES
Wouldn't you know it? The Fall Fun Fest was full of babies. I don't just mean babies in strollers. I mean babies in bellies. I'm pretty sure almost every woman between the ages of 30-35 was expecting. Well, okay, maybe it just felt that way to me, but there was most definitely an ironically high number of pregnant bellies - beautiful, precious, pregnant bellies.
ASKING WHY
I have told many people that I learned from my experience with Gabriel not to ask why - not to ask why bad things happen to good people, not to ask, "Why me?" But tonight I'm really tired, and I don't have the strength or self-control to prevent myself from asking such a dangerous, self-destructive question. So, I'll take the bait that has been dangling in front of me all day.......WHY??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why can't I be one of the pregnant bellies?
Why can't I be a part of the joyous conversations about due dates, gender, morning sickness, baby showers, and the excitement of an upcoming miracle?
Why do I have to work my butt off selling barbeque nachos and standing on my feet all day long when I should be sitting up on a pedestal right now because I am way too busy with the most important job in the world?
Why can't people look at me and ache to have something that I have instead of just gazing at me with pity in their eyes.
Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why can't I just have my baby back?!
This is my journey . . . as the mother of angels . . . and one sweet girl who will walk this Earth with me.
Bonnie,
ReplyDeleteI don't have an answer for you. I sure wish I did. I can't imagine the pain that you and Skylar must be going through. All I can say is that Why seems such a normal, relevant question. I love you and am deeply sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I will continue to pray for you.
Bonnie,
ReplyDeleteI've never posted on something like this and I hit the anonymous button. It's me, Ms. Karen. Hey, maybe that will at least make you laugh for a minute:)
Maybe it is God's plan for a child to grow in your heart instead of your belly. Maybe a child is aching to be in your arms just as much as you are aching to have a child on your arms.
ReplyDeleteI don't have the answers for you. I understand it has to be hard to see all those pregnant women, but maybe there is a small child somewhere that needs you and Skyler as bad as you need them. God has a plan for you, but it is normal to ask Why. I love you more than you will ever be able to understand, if there was something I could do to help I would do it for you. I will continue to pray for guidance for you both. love you both Sherry
ReplyDeleteJust so you know Bonnie -- it wasn't pity in my eyes when I looked at you. It was jealousy. I want to have 1/10 of the faith and understanding that you have. Just 1/10! You are amazing and I'm proud to call you my friend. Love you!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Morgan. That is very sweet. That other 9/10 of faith is not so easy to keep up behind closed doors. I'm gonna work on it, though.
ReplyDeleteI hope you didn't think I was looking at you with pity. I will admit, I didn't know what to say to you and felt myself holding back my excitement when we talked my baby. I also admire your faith and strength. I continue to pray for you and Skyler often.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't think there is anything wrong with asking "why?"
Babs,
ReplyDeleteI already know how happy you are. I, too, have been six months pregnant with the love of my life. I am very happy for you. Now, when she gets here and you get to bring her home, please make sure you let me know how wonderful it is.
Bonnie
I have often wondered if the pain we suffer isn't related to God's trust in us. He knows what we can handle and continue to honor him. Maybe He knows you can make something beautiful from this pain.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I have read here, you are certainly doing that. Your writing is honest and beautiful. It is an honor to be included in your thoughts.
And while I am reading and crying, I am also praying for you guys. Not sure what to be praying for, but you are in my prayers.
I can relate to this in experiencing the FFF also, and now, but to me it's all the 19-35 year olds walking around with pregnant bellies, it's not easy and I find comfort in your strength, your writings are helping me know that I am not alone. And I thank you for that.
ReplyDeleteMisty, I feel alone, too. I have felt very, very alone since I had Gabriel. I just feel like no one understands me, like no one could even possibly understand what it feels like to be me. You are not alone in your ache to be a mommy. Thank you so much for allowing my babies and me to touch your life.
ReplyDelete