25 Weeks 1 Day: Another Mommy Meltdown

No, this meltdown wasn't over the health of my baby or any crazy notions that I have that she will suddenly disappear. This meltdown was completely logical and tear-worthy. It was over my pants!

I walked into the closet yesterday, pulled a pair of jean shorts off the top shelf, and proceeded to put them on (something I did about three weeks ago with no trouble whatsoever, with room to spare actually). I stepped into them and pulled them up over my hips with no reason to suspect what was about to happen next. I grabbed each side and pulled them toward each other in preparation to fasten the button . . . but they didn't even come close to being able to be buttoned, as in one side does not touch the other.

I threw that wretched pair of no-good shorts on the floor, grabbed a more reliable pair, and sobbed while I put them on and finished dressing.

"What's the matter?" my husband questions after witnessing the closet tantrum.

"Nothing! I'm fine," I cry, pretty sure I'll have to resort to wearing my nightgown to work when school starts in a month.

"Baby. What. Is. Wrong?" he insists.

"My pants don't fit!" More tears. And a little bit of snot.

He laughs at my total pregnancy moment. I don't find the same humor in it that he does. I know. It sounds totally obvious that I would outgrow my pants when I am just a few days shy of being six months pregnant, but for me, I guess I just didn't see it coming. I never wore maternity clothes with Gabriel. Partly because I was pregnant in the winter and had more things that just fit me without resorting to maternity clothes, and partly (mostly) because he went 10 weeks early and it was my first pregnancy.

What to do? What to do? (sigh)

Matthew 6:25 (NIV) "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?"

He is a Mighty Warrior

All I did was type that blog post title and my eyes are brimming with tears. "Gabriel's Blankets" ministry is just another way God is showing me in 2011 that He does hear us and answer our prayers if we are faithful and wait on Him. This little ministry started out just a few months ago as a small group of women knitting and crocheting (some of whom, including me, who did not even know how to do it) to give blankets to newborns at our local hospital. Gabriel and these generous women have now donated blankets to babies at Methodist Hospital in Henderson, KY and Owensboro Mercy Health System in Owensboro, KY. Plus, I have 28 blankets and matching hats that I am getting ready to deliver to the perinatal bereavement programs at The Women's Hospital at Deaconess Gateway in Newburgh, IN and St. Mary's Medical Center in Evansville, IN for the angel babies like Gabriel. Oh, there's more. This week, Gabriel's Blankets gave a blanket to a young woman who fell 100 feet off a cliff at The Garden of the Gods and survived. We also gave one to her seven year old daughter who saw it happen. PLUS Gabriel's Blankets is donating 50 30"x32" lap blankets to the residents of Henderson Manor nursing home for Christmas.

That's amazing, isn't it? I am so proud of my son. I wanted so badly for Gabriel's life to matter. I wanted people to remember him and to miss him. That's a tall order considering that only a handful of people even got a chance to meet him. But God is good to me, and he created this ministry in my son's memory and his son's name. Pretty great, huh? Every one of the blankets donated (39 in June!) have Gabriel's name on them and heartfelt prayers attached to them. My little boy is a mighty warrior for God's kingdom, just like I hoped he would be.

***You guessed it! It will take a lot of yarn to make 50 lap blankets. If you feel led, Gabriel would really appreciate your donations of yarn, gift cards to buy yarn, or 30" x 32" blankets if you want to make one.

First Assembly of God

c/o Gabriel's Blankets

2208 Hwy 60 East

Henderson, KY 42420

23 Weeks 2 Days: Sugar Rush!

I wish I would have taken a picture of this cupcake, but my focus was only on eating it. So, here's the closest thing I found online:

It was a Triple Chocolate Cupcake from The Fresh Market in Evansville, IN. My sister got it for the baby (wink, wink) as a "Phew! We're done registering for baby gifts. Now, let's go collapse on the couch with some well-deserved chocolate!" treat. It was a humongous chocolate cupcake with chocolate filling and a very thick layer of rich chocolate frosting sprinkled with chocolate chips. Oh. My. Goodness. Did Baby Girl get a sugar rush! She was up all evening moving and kicking and just couldn't stop!

The registering. Oh, the registering. How fun! How exciting! How exhausting! My sister, my nine year old niece, and I spent the perfect day registering and having the fun we've been waiting so long to have. We went to JoAnn Fabrics and chose fabric and ribbons to decorate the nursery. My sister is making the bedding and curtains. We went to Lowe's and selected coordinating paint colors. We visited Michael's and got nursery accessories and baby shower decorations. Finally, we registered for all the baby essentials (and some wants) at Wal-Mart and Babies-R-Us.

A few of our selections for our pink and green "Garden Party" nursery:

Baskets for nursery necessities like diapers, wipes, ointment, and HAIR BOWS.

 Baby shower accessories--flower cupcake papers, butterfly sprinkles, and IT'S A GIRL confetti and candy.

Nursery embellishments

Butterfly nursery craft projects

Garden stakes that we'll take apart and make wall hangings

Nursery fabric, sewing pattern, ribbons, and paint samples. Oh yeah! We're going PINK!

My 9 year old niece Sydney testing out Baby Girl's new bouncer with her babydoll

Sydney giving Aunt Bonnie a much-needed lesson in diapering and dressing the baby

22 Weeks 2 Days: She's Got the Wiggles!

She wiggles all the time--never sits still. It's hilarious. Sometimes I just sit and watch my belly rippling and jerking, and I just crack up laughing at her! It's such a funny, ticklish feeling. It's a feeling I've never felt before.

It dawned on me a few nights ago why this feeling inside of me amazes me so much, why it feels so new. Yes, Gabriel moved a lot; he moved a lot for a baby who was never supposed to move much. It was my first pregnancy, so I didn't know any better. Every move he made astonished me. And rightfully so. He was incredible, but he didn't have the wiggles like baby sister. In fact, he never moved out of his completely breech facing mommy position. From the very beginning to the very end, he stayed that way. There were plenty of kicks and jabs, just no wiggling. He stayed put.

Baby girl, on the other hand, must be all over the place in there. She's a busy girl! I sit here, and I can feel her squirming and playing and loving life. Kicks and jabs, too, but lots of movement and changing of positions. I wish I could describe the feeling, but I know most of you mommies know and have been praying that I could know, too.

Now, here's to praying that, when the time is right, she wiggles into a head down position just like a good girl.

20 Weeks 5 Days: God's Baby Shower Present

 Yep. That's us in front of God's baby shower present--a 2011 Jeep Wrangler Sport valued at $25,000!!!

Skyler and I were sitting in church yesterday morning when he kept getting phone calls from a guy he knows.

"I need to go check my voicemail," he says. I figured if he was getting up in the middle of the church service to check his voicemail, he must have been concerned. Just moments after he left the sanctuary, the pastor asked the congregation, "What does God love to do more than anything? He loves to give us gifts."

About five minutes later, my husband comes up behind me and whispers in my ear, "You need to come out here and find out what's going on." My heart sank. What has happened now? I thought. It's only ever bad news.

I go out and meet my husband in the foyer. I find him with tears in his eyes but with a look on his face that I recognize. Those are happy tears.

"You're not going to believe this!" he tells me, choked up. He proceeds to tell me about the phone call he just had with the deacon of St. Theresa's Catholic Parish in Evansville, IN. Unbeknownst to me, he recently purchased three raffle tickets to support their church. Out of over 5,000 tickets, Skyler's name was drawn out. The prize was a 2011 Jeep Wrangler from Audubon Chrysler in Henderson, KY.

The vehicle is really, really nice. BUT . . . it's a 2-door soft top convertible. Woulda been fun 10 years ago, but I'm not puttin' my baby in that thing! So, after spending six hours at the dealership (seriously, it's not like we had time to plan out what we wanted to do), we traded the brand new Jeep and our 2004 Chevy Impala (aka ticking time bomb with almost 140,000 miles on it) for two SUVs. We got a 2002 Silver Ford Expedition and a 2002 Gold Chevy Trailblazer.

 

Me in my Ford Expedition

 

Skyler in his Chevy Trailblazer

It might seem strange that we would trade a brand new vehicle for two used vehicles, especially ones that do have some miles on them. But, we really feel like we made the right decision for us. I'm not going to get into it, but we really, really, really, desperately needed a new vehicle, especially before Baby Girl gets here. Our car more than likely had some very serious problems, on top of the fact that it wasn't paid off yet. If we'd have kept the Jeep, we would have had to pay sales tax, plus a $199 dock fee for doing the paper work.

We started our day yesterday with a car payment on one car that was worth nothing but at any moment threatened to take us out with car repair payments. We ended our day with two really nice vehicles that are in great condition, no car payments at all, and we didn't pay a dime. Plus, they both have new tires, full tanks of gas, and each come with six free oil changes. PLUS, we're taking them back tomorrow to get free 2-inch balls put on the hitches.

There is no doubt--this is from God. It is a miracle. It is so good to know God has our back and will make sure we can take care of our little girl. It's also good to know that He just loves us so much that he would just give us a great big fabulous surprise.

20 Weeks 1 Day: 17P

or 17-alpha hydroxyprogesterone caproate

 

 

I told you about this in "A Big Decision to Make," and in "It's a Girl!" I told you that, if I was indeed carrying a girl, I would know what I had to do.  

Still, my mommy instincts wouldn't allow me to just take the doctor's word for it. Even though I trust her, I don't really trust anybody anymore. I told her my fears about blood clots. I knew she was going to come back with the argument that I'm already on heparin, which would be the treatment if those blood clots showed up. My thinking was, irrational or not, I would hate for the blood thinner to start saving my life instead of my baby's! She said she didn't think the medication would counteract the heparin's benefits for the baby. However, she has not prescribed 17P for very many patients and admitted that she wasn't sure what the right thing to do really was. So, she agreed to consult my fertility doctor and the maternal fetal medicine specialist that I saw with Gabriel. She planned to call me with her findings so I could make a decision about taking the medication.

Here's the funny and totally something I would do part: I waited an entire week for her phone call, but never received it. I told my husband I was going to call her, but he insisted that I shouldn't, that he knew she would call me when she got the info. I waited over the weekend and decided to leave her a voicemail on Monday. THEN, I check my voicemails. She left me two voicemails that week, and I never returned her calls! She told me she was going out of town so I wouldn't be able to reach her for a few days. So, I called her when she was back in the office, but she was in surgery so I had to speak with the nurse. All I got was a message from the doctor saying I should take the drug. At that point, I was turning 18 weeks and I needed to get the injections started. So, I left her a another voicemail asking her to just go ahead and call in the prescription and to please call me that afternoon to tell me about her conversations with the other doctors. I promised I would answer the phone. I didn't. The phone was in my hand when she called, but it said RESTRICTED so I didn't answer it. Aaaahhhh! I went ahead and took them based solely on her word for it after all. I knew, though. I knew when I found out it was a girl that God had told me to take this medication. I already told you about that dream.

Tonight is actually my third injection of 17P. It's a big needle and it goes in the butt. I totally planned to just give this to myself because I have given myself injections there before and because my husband just can't be serious about pointing a needle at my behind without making jokes. But when I opened the package and saw the needle, I thought I was going to cry! I am a self-injection champion (260 so far during this pregnancy), but this was the point when I'd had enough. I just couldn't do it. I had to let my husband stick a needle in my butt. I was nervous. He was nervous. Mostly, I was afraid he would chicken out at the last minute and end up hurting me. He did a good job, though. Of course, he was begging for praise afterward, never mind that I'm the one who had to endure the pain! That's a man for ya.

19 Weeks 3 Days: FEAR

When I write, I compose the words I want to say in my head in the days or hours before. Then, when I'm ready, my fingers hit the keys and the composition in my mind basically just oozes out of my fingers onto the screen. Little Girl's anatomy scan was three days ago, three days in which I didn't have the time or energy to sit and write this blog post, three days in which I wrote and rewrote it in my mind, titled and retitled it. I thought about calling it:

19 Weeks 3 Days: Isn't It Ironic?

19 Weeks 3 Days: You've Got to be Frickin' Joking Me!

19 Weeks 3 Days: Why Am I So Afraid?

But, as the days went on and I really thought about it and heard myself tell the story to a few people (and over and over again to myself), I realized that the best title is to just call it what it is: FEAR.

I know you remember my "Mommy Meltdown" post a few weeks ago. I'm sure you were all thinking, Poor Bonnie. She just can't help herself. I thought my baby had a strawberry-shaped head and was going to die, just like my other babies. I went in and made them take another look. Her head was carefully examined (like it had already been several times before), and I was assured her head shape was completely normal.

Isn't it ironic, then, that as soon as Baby Girl's brain came on the screen a few days ago, the sonographer typed "CP" on the screen? She typed those letters quietly, straight-faced, just like they all do. But, this is me we're talking about, and I knew what those letters meant.

"You just typed CP on the screen," I said, letting her know she couldn't just slip that by me.

"Yeah, I did," she said, with her "I'm so sorry" look I've seen too many times.

"She has them?" I asked, knowing the answer because I know too much.

"Yes, she has choroid plexus cysts. BUT, I see it all the time, and it doesn't mean anything."

But she knows it means something to me. She knows Gaby Baby had them. She feels the thick irony of the fact that I was scared out of my mind two weeks ago that her head was misshapen and now we really do see a well-known marker for Trisomy 18. She knows this is me we're talking about and it does mean something.

She went straight to the next well known marker for Trisomy 18--clenched fists. If you saw her little thumb-sucking, face-touching video on Facebook a few weeks ago, you know she doesn't have clenched fists. She loves her hands and her face. Next, she looked at her feet to make sure they weren't clubbed or rocker-bottom (rounded instead of flat). Her feet are perfect. Then, to check her face. Babies with this anomaly often have cleft lips and no chin. My baby's face is perfect and beautiful. She also has a perfectly straight midline between the two perfectly forming hemispheres in her brain, a well-formed stomach, kidneys, and bladder, has normal bone length, and is in the 50th percentile on her weight--not too big or too small. And, oh my, you should have seen her heart. It is an absolute miracle.

"She's fine. I'm not worried," were the words from both the doctor and the sonographer.

"I know," I kept saying but not really meaning it.

The doctor reported seeing choroid plexus cysts on babies about once a month and that she has never had one be born with any problems. My baby has isolated choroid plexus cysts, meaning she is perfect in every other way and they are almost certain to go away in a couple of months and leave me with the perfect baby of my dreams. My doctor did ask me if I wanted to be referred to a high risk OB and possibly have an amnio. She knows I already know it's the only way to know for sure. Of course, I told her I would not have one of those. I almost lost Gabriel when I did that before. I won't risk this baby's life. She agreed. She wouldn't risk it either because she believes I have about a 99% chance of delivering a healthy baby.

So, I've been down in the dumps about this the last few days even though I know the truth about these cysts: some babies get them, but they rarely mean anything. I've been telling people at work and calling my family and reporting the one tiny little thing that might be wrong instead of focusing on every other little spec of her that is completely perfect. The more I tell it, the more I can hear how pathetic I sound.

And then it really dawned on me: I'm not making Gabriel proud. The way I am handling this pregnancy is how I am still handling his death, how I promised him I wouldn't--scared and sad and crying all the time and just wanting to give up. Then, I realized what else I am doing--not giving his little sister the same faith and courage that I gave him. I rarely reported on Gabriel's flaws, only his triumphs and perfections. I didn't want my baby boy to hear me talking bad about him. I wanted him to believe in himself, so I knew he had to hear that Mommy believed in him. Why, then, can't I give my real, true, living, heart beating, healthy, this is really gonna happen baby girl the same courtesy?

Well, from now on, I am.

  Adorable feet. Can you count my five toes?

 My leg is kicked up on the left, and I'm trying to hide my pretty face with my hand.

 My profile. My hand is up by my face and you can see my cute little nose and cheekbones.

 The 3D pictures of me will be better when I start to put on some weight, but you can see my face.

 Mommy loves this picture. Just look at my adorable chin. Don't ya just wanna kiss it?

And, yes, you all know I can't keep my thumb out of my mouth. 

Psalm 27:14 (KJV)¹⁴Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

 Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)⁶ Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

 

Here is a link to some information about choroid plexus cysts. It explains it way better than I can.

http://www.babyzone.com/pregnancy/health_wellness/prenatal_tests/ultrasound/article/choroid-plexus-cyst