30 Weeks 2 Days: This Was the Day

Today Baby Girl is 30 weeks 2 day which is the gestational age that I went into labor and had Gabriel. It really is unfathomable to me to even think about having her right now. I don't feel ready at all. I don't feel like I'm about to explode or like I just can't take it anymore. I feel completely fine. I'm just getting bigger and that makes things harder and more tiring.

That's not to say that I was "ready" when I had Gabriel. Physically, it was a struggle to continue with the pregnancy day to day, not because of all the problems we had, but because I just had a lot of pregnancy symptoms that were hard to deal with. Emotionally and mentally, I was definitely not ready to lose the pregnancy.

One week before, after noticing a significant decrease in fetal movement and response, I called my sister and told her it was time to make his outfit--no more waiting to see if he grew more. I called my friend and told her to get his song ready. I called the pastor and discussed my wishes for his big "going away party."

Two days before, I had an ultrasound that showed a kicking, playing, happy little boy. I told the doctor that he was barely moving in the two weeks prior, but after the ultrasound, she couldn't tell me that it meant anything was wrong. I knew though.

One day before, I woke up to a very tiny bit of brown on the toilet paper. This did not alarm me because I bled for two months straight. At that point, however, I hadn't bled for about a month. Still, I knew it was possible for some blood to show up, so I didn't go into a panic or anything. That afternoon around 4:45PM, I noticed a quarter-sized dollop of a clear, snotty blob on the toilet paper. My heart sank. It was my first pregnancy, but I was pretty sure what it was. A call to my sis gave confirmation to my thoughts--the mucous plug. She told me not to worry, though. That I could still have several weeks left after losing the mucous plug. So, I didn't go to the hospital. I did, however, shave my legs and cut my toenails and fingernails. (That's what you do, right?) I felt somber that night knowing that losing the mucous plug put our time together on a countdown; I just didn't know how little sand was left in our hourglass.

The morning of, I woke up refreshed after a good night's sleep for the first time in a long time. I figured that meant everything was okay, so I proceeded to get ready for work. I planned to call the doc and go in after school to get checked since we saw the blood and the mucous plug. While I was putting my make-up on, I began to feel pressure down low. I didn't think a lot of it because sometimes when you're pregnant, you just feel like that kid is gonna fall out even though you know it isn't. I felt a little more pressure, though, so I decided to take a half day at work and go to the doctor a little earlier. Then, as I grabbed my purse off the kitchen counter, I felt some pressure that knocked me off my feet. I decided to take the whole day off work, just going in to get my ducks in a row before heading to the doctor's office.

Three and a half hours later, we were at the doctor's office being told I was fully dilated and would be delivering within the hour.

Four hours later, I was still holding on, waiting for my sister to get there so she wouldn't miss the miracle we thought we wouldn't get.

2:34 PM He was born, and he cried, and I'll never forget it.

4:15 PM We gave him to Jesus.

Right now, at this moment, his little sister wiggles and wobbles and kicks and plays inside of me, right where he was, but oh so different than he was. From this point forward, I'll be in uncharted territory--a pregnancy stage I know nothing about. From this point forward, I'll look at the toilet paper every day watching for the spots and the clear snotty blob. From this point forward, I'll get ready . . . because she's coming, she's coming home.