19 Weeks 3 Days: FEAR

When I write, I compose the words I want to say in my head in the days or hours before. Then, when I'm ready, my fingers hit the keys and the composition in my mind basically just oozes out of my fingers onto the screen. Little Girl's anatomy scan was three days ago, three days in which I didn't have the time or energy to sit and write this blog post, three days in which I wrote and rewrote it in my mind, titled and retitled it. I thought about calling it:

19 Weeks 3 Days: Isn't It Ironic?

19 Weeks 3 Days: You've Got to be Frickin' Joking Me!

19 Weeks 3 Days: Why Am I So Afraid?

But, as the days went on and I really thought about it and heard myself tell the story to a few people (and over and over again to myself), I realized that the best title is to just call it what it is: FEAR.

I know you remember my "Mommy Meltdown" post a few weeks ago. I'm sure you were all thinking, Poor Bonnie. She just can't help herself. I thought my baby had a strawberry-shaped head and was going to die, just like my other babies. I went in and made them take another look. Her head was carefully examined (like it had already been several times before), and I was assured her head shape was completely normal.

Isn't it ironic, then, that as soon as Baby Girl's brain came on the screen a few days ago, the sonographer typed "CP" on the screen? She typed those letters quietly, straight-faced, just like they all do. But, this is me we're talking about, and I knew what those letters meant.

"You just typed CP on the screen," I said, letting her know she couldn't just slip that by me.

"Yeah, I did," she said, with her "I'm so sorry" look I've seen too many times.

"She has them?" I asked, knowing the answer because I know too much.

"Yes, she has choroid plexus cysts. BUT, I see it all the time, and it doesn't mean anything."

But she knows it means something to me. She knows Gaby Baby had them. She feels the thick irony of the fact that I was scared out of my mind two weeks ago that her head was misshapen and now we really do see a well-known marker for Trisomy 18. She knows this is me we're talking about and it does mean something.

She went straight to the next well known marker for Trisomy 18--clenched fists. If you saw her little thumb-sucking, face-touching video on Facebook a few weeks ago, you know she doesn't have clenched fists. She loves her hands and her face. Next, she looked at her feet to make sure they weren't clubbed or rocker-bottom (rounded instead of flat). Her feet are perfect. Then, to check her face. Babies with this anomaly often have cleft lips and no chin. My baby's face is perfect and beautiful. She also has a perfectly straight midline between the two perfectly forming hemispheres in her brain, a well-formed stomach, kidneys, and bladder, has normal bone length, and is in the 50th percentile on her weight--not too big or too small. And, oh my, you should have seen her heart. It is an absolute miracle.

"She's fine. I'm not worried," were the words from both the doctor and the sonographer.

"I know," I kept saying but not really meaning it.

The doctor reported seeing choroid plexus cysts on babies about once a month and that she has never had one be born with any problems. My baby has isolated choroid plexus cysts, meaning she is perfect in every other way and they are almost certain to go away in a couple of months and leave me with the perfect baby of my dreams. My doctor did ask me if I wanted to be referred to a high risk OB and possibly have an amnio. She knows I already know it's the only way to know for sure. Of course, I told her I would not have one of those. I almost lost Gabriel when I did that before. I won't risk this baby's life. She agreed. She wouldn't risk it either because she believes I have about a 99% chance of delivering a healthy baby.

So, I've been down in the dumps about this the last few days even though I know the truth about these cysts: some babies get them, but they rarely mean anything. I've been telling people at work and calling my family and reporting the one tiny little thing that might be wrong instead of focusing on every other little spec of her that is completely perfect. The more I tell it, the more I can hear how pathetic I sound.

And then it really dawned on me: I'm not making Gabriel proud. The way I am handling this pregnancy is how I am still handling his death, how I promised him I wouldn't--scared and sad and crying all the time and just wanting to give up. Then, I realized what else I am doing--not giving his little sister the same faith and courage that I gave him. I rarely reported on Gabriel's flaws, only his triumphs and perfections. I didn't want my baby boy to hear me talking bad about him. I wanted him to believe in himself, so I knew he had to hear that Mommy believed in him. Why, then, can't I give my real, true, living, heart beating, healthy, this is really gonna happen baby girl the same courtesy?

Well, from now on, I am.

  Adorable feet. Can you count my five toes?

 My leg is kicked up on the left, and I'm trying to hide my pretty face with my hand.

 My profile. My hand is up by my face and you can see my cute little nose and cheekbones.

 The 3D pictures of me will be better when I start to put on some weight, but you can see my face.

 Mommy loves this picture. Just look at my adorable chin. Don't ya just wanna kiss it?

And, yes, you all know I can't keep my thumb out of my mouth. 

Psalm 27:14 (KJV)¹⁴Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

 Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)⁶ Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

 

Here is a link to some information about choroid plexus cysts. It explains it way better than I can.

http://www.babyzone.com/pregnancy/health_wellness/prenatal_tests/ultrasound/article/choroid-plexus-cyst