March 30: Tater Tot's Due Date

Dear Tater Tot,

Today, March 30, 2011, is your due date. You were scheduled to be mine today. I think about you every day. I miss you every day. I imagine every day what it would be like if you were still here.

I imagine you being our newborn baby—our dream come true after all our dreams died. I would be holding you, and nursing you, and gazing at you, and singing to you, and playing dress-up with you.

I imagine how pretty you would be. Your brother Gabriel was the prettiest boy I’ve ever seen. I imagine that beauty in the form of a little girl. Oh, my goodness. Daddy says he would be in so much trouble.

I imagine the little girl you would become. The dresses you would wear. The curls we would tie bows in. The baby dolls we would play with. The cookies we would bake. The books we would read.

I imagine the love we would have. Mommy, Daddy, and Princess Tater Tot. The cuddle time. The fun time. The play time. The sleepy time.

I imagine your name. I knew your name. Even then. Even in our short time together.

Now, Mommy has a new baby. It’s a wonderful thing to have on the day that I’m suppose to have you, but can’t. Still, it’s strange for Mommy, even a bit confusing, the feelings I have about you and Gabriel and the new baby. I love all three of you so much. I wouldn’t trade any of you for anything or anyone. I wish I could have Gabriel back. I wish I could have you back. I never want to let go of our little Miracle Whip. That doesn’t make sense, does it? You could have never been if Gabriel hadn’t flown away. So, how can I say that I wish I could have him back and then tell you that I love you more than anything else in the whole wide world? But, I do. I am so thankful for our new baby and am so very much in love. Today, though, on your due date, I wish I had just given birth to you. I wish you were still mine. That doesn’t make any sense, either. I couldn’t have my new baby who I also love more than anything else in the whole wide world if you didn’t fly away, too.

See how confusing that is? Mommy wants all three of her babies, but one couldn’t exist without the sacrifices of the one who came before. Mommy wants all of you. Right now, though, I’m very thankful to God for the time I had with you, the time to become your mother, and for the miracle who is growing inside of me.

I’ll see you in Heaven, sweet baby. I know I’ll go to you, but you cannot return to me (2 Samuel 12:18-23).

Love,
Mommy