An Unexpected Trip

Someone I love just landed in Holland . . .

Welcome to Holland

by: Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved
"I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
     When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
     "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
     "But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay."
     The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
     But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland."

I went to Holland once, too. I bought a one-way ticket to Italy, but my plane was hijacked, and I was taken to Holland. The flight was terrifying, but when I landed, something amazing happened. I fell in love with Holland. It is the most extraordinary place I've ever been. If I had spent my entire time there mourning my lost trip to Italy, I would have never been free to enjoy the impossibly wonderful things about Holland . . . about my Gabriel Nicolas.

I had a round-trip ticket to Holland. My stay was very short, and then I came back. Now I live in Italy. Not them. Holland is where they must stay. They didn't plan this trip; no one ever does. They had their sights set on another destination. I can tell they are proud of their new home, though. And why shouldn't they be? After all, Holland has . . .

windmills . . .

and tulips . . .

and even Rembrandts.

And for Cassidy, Holland has a long awaited play date . . .

and lunch at the kids' table . . .

Thank you, God! Thank you, God! Thank you, God . . .

for this little superhero

 
who inspires us once again to pray and believe in miracles.

The Day That Set it All in Motion

Do you believe that one decision leads to another? That one step leads to the next step and leads to the step after that? That things turn out differently depending on if you turn right or left? That one small choice we make today can change the path of our lives forever? I do, and I believe that everything you know about me as a reader of this blog started right here:

I remember telling my husband of seven months (I was a newlywed!) before I left for work that I would probably be coming back. I thought for sure that school would be cancelled based on the snowy weather, but I had to leave just in case because it took 35 minutes to get from Henderson, KY to Owensboro, KY where I worked. I remember walking out our apartment door and down the sidewalk to my car, getting in, and driving away. I remember being in a strange room and hearing my mom tell me I was in a car accident five days ago. That was nine years ago on February 6, 2003.

I was T-boned in the driver's door on the old Reed, KY curve before the expansion (My Kentucky readers know what I'm talking about). I was told it happened on an icy bridge. I don't remember anything, but I don't think I ever lost consciousness because the police reported to my husband that I wasn't wearing my seat belt (I must have taken it off after the wreck thinking I was going to get out of the car.) and that I fought them tooth and nail while they were rescuing me from the car with the Jaws of Life. The car was my brand new Sterling Blue Satin Glow Chrysler Sebring. (Yes, I remember the car's color name nine years later.). I had owned it only four months at the time of the accident. Without its side-curtain air bags, I wouldn't be telling this tale today.

To make a long story short (I'm holding Cassidy right now and she's hollering for a baba. I need to hurry up!), I suffered a concussion that landed me six staples in the head and blacked out five days of my life. I broke my pelvis in three places which had me using a walker for three months while living in an upstairs apartment, and I ruptured my spleen which led to an emergency spleenectomy and an exploratory surgery to find out that I had bruised lungs and kidneys and internal bleeding. The shattered glass tore up the skin on my left arm, but I didn't have a scratch on my face, which I probably guarded with my arm. I spent a total of 17 days in the hospital, including four days in ICU, nine days in the regular hospital, four days in rehab, my 24th birthday, my first Valentine's Day with my husband, and it eventually cost me three months of work during my first year of teaching at Owensboro Middle School in Owensboro, KY.

What does that have to do with my story, you ask? What does a car accident nine years ago from which I am fully recovered have anything to do with Gabriel, Tater Tot, and Cassidy? Everything. I believe it's the reason I have them.

I wrote about the importance of having an HSG in "Walking Down the Street Naked." I had an HSG after one failed attempt at an IUI in 2008. My fertility doctor told us that he typically has a woman do an HSG (an xray dye test) to test for a blockage in the fallopian tubes after three failed attempts. We told him we weren't waiting to fail three times before we checked to see if I had a blockage. I only knew there was a possibility of there being a blockage because of my 2003 abdominal surgery. With any abdominal surgery, there is a chance that scar tissue can form, leading to an obstruction in the fallopian tubes. If I hadn't had the surgery in 2003, I would have never known to insist on the HSG. Only later did I find out that research shows a significant increase in the chances of conception for up to three months after having the procedure because the dye flushes out debris. I didn't end up having a blockage, but those squeaky clean tubes helped me get a Gaby Baby.

It's possible that I could have gotten pregnant that month without having the HSG, but I doubt it, and would it have been with Gabriel? Under normal circumstances, there's only about a 20% chance of conception. Once I learned of the benefit of having an HSG, I insisted to the doctor that I wanted to have another. I got pregnant with Tater Tot right away. You know what happened next. Tater Tot was my bridge. She made it possible to get from Gabriel to Cassidy, who, by the way, I got pregnant with on the first try after having an HSG.

Once I got my marbles all together and started to know what was happening day to day, I remembered a visit from my dad in the hospital. "The good Lord saved you so you can be a mommy some day." I don't know why he said that, but I remember telling him that I had been thinking the same thing. Neither of us knew, of course, how true that was or how God planned to use me as a mommy, how He saved me from certain death to one day become the mother of angels . . . and one sweet girl who will walk this Earth with me.

 Cassidy Nicole, 4 months

Romans 8:28 (NIV): "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

A Doll House

That's what it feels like to me, my very own grown-up doll house, and it even comes with a real live baby!

Cassidy in front of her window seat toy box. 15 weeks 4 days

Cassidy's nursery is so pretty. It's pink, pink, pink, pink, and pink. Oh yeah, and green, with flowers, butterflies, and caterpillars.

 

 Mommy and Cassidy

Cassidy loves playing on her changing table. Yes, that's mousse beside the 

baby lotion. A diva has to have hair products.

So silly!

Cassidy loves to get her diaper changed. Actually, she just loves to have her diaper off!

Dressed up so pretty

We love to play dress up!

Playing with toys!

We love to read books.

Cassidy's crib is so pretty, but will she ever sleep in it?

Time for a baba

We make each other so happy.

Psalm 113:9 "He settles the barren woman in her home as the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord."

*Thank you to Daddy who took these great pictures of us.

**Thank you to Cassidy's Aunt Shana. She did all the decorating, sewed the curtains and comforter, and even painted the caterpillar picture.

A Birthday Party

January 14, 2012

Dear Gabriel,

It's your birthday, but this year Mommy and Daddy get all the great gifts.

 Little Sis loves you so much!

Two years ago, I had you for such a short time, and then you just disappeared (or so it seemed). Mommy was left aching for you. One year ago, Mommy and Daddy could only imagine what it would be like to have you here eating your first birthday cake with us. This year, I have your gorgeous baby sister to help me celebrate your second birthday. She's too little to eat birthday cake, but she's just the right size to snuggle in Mommy's arms and make them feel all better. We love her so much. Thank you, Gabriel, for being such an awesome big brother. Without your strength and determination, Cassidy couldn't be here with us. She is the best birthday present ever.

Happy birthday, Gabriel Nicolas. I love you so much. Thank you for coming into my life. I will always thank God for choosing me to be your mommy. You are still such a blessing.

Love, 

Mommy

Dare to Dream

and pray like I believe it can come true.

This morning our pastor stated that research shows that, of all the New Year's resolutions and goals that are made each year, 80% of them don't work out. Then he said that God wants and is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever dream of. I reread my New Year's 2011 blog, and I'll be darned if I didn't achieved 22% of the goals that I listed. Those two goals happened to be the only two goals on my list that were solely in God's hands. I think you know what they were:

2011 Goals:
1. Get Gabriel's book published (not achieved)
2. Read the entire Bible using The One Year Bible (not achieved)
3. Get something published besides my book, like a short story or article, in a magazine or journal (not achieved)
4. Write a novel (not achieved)
5. Attend a writer's conference (not achieved)
6. Give birth to a perfect, healthy baby and BRING IT HOME! (ACHIEVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

January 2011 Goals:
1. Get pregnant with the perfect, healthy baby referred to in #6 above (ACHIEVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
2. Pray more. Pray everyday. Pray for people other than myself. (not achieved)
2. Follow Weight Watchers points system unwaveringly throughout the month (not achieved)
3. Swim at least twice a week (not achieved)

Those two goals that I achieved were actually the only two that I ever really prayed about. I believed in God to give me a baby and prayed hard for it to happen because I was desperate for it and knew I really had very little control over any of it. Other than choosing to take the necessary actions to get pregnant, God is the creator of life. He is the only One who can make that happen.

Imagine how immeasurably greater my year could have been if I'd only dared to ask God for even more. He loves me, and He wants to give it to me. I believe He has shown me the next big thing for my life, but there is no way it can happen without prayer. I'm talking the kind of prayer it took to get Little Sis here.

 

Cassidy's 1st New Year, 12 weeks 4 days

 Ephesians 3:20-21 (NIV): "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen."

Not Such a Fantasy . . . of Lights

But we loved it anyway.

Yesterday was our 10 year engagement anniversary. We got engaged at Ritzy's Fantasy of Lights at Garvin Park in Evansville, IN on December 30, 2001. Each December 30th, we return to Garvin Park to look at the lights and remember that special night. Every year that we've been there, we drive through the beautiful light display, reminisce about our previous visits, and dream about the year we might bring our little child with us. Two years ago, Gabriel was in my belly. Last year, we wished Tater Tot was, but were looking forward to the hope of the new year. This year, we finally had our sweet baby, AND SHE CRIED THE WHOLE TIME! She cried from the moment we drove into the lights to the moment we left, inconsolable crying. She never does that. If she cries, there's a reason, and she is easy to soothe. We pulled the car over twice trying to help our sweet baby girl. We barely noticed the lights that we pay our annual visit to. Still, at the end of the night, we both agreed, coming to the Fantasy of Lights with our screaming baby girl was way better than any other time before.

 Mommy, Daddy, and Cassidy

Ritzy's Fantasy of Lights 2011

 Mommy and Cassidy are soooooooo happy to be here!!!

Daddy tries to help Cassidy feel better. Maybe next year. And the year after that. And the year after that.

It's not just a fantasy anymore. Thank you, Jesus!

If You Don't Believe in Miracles . . .

read this: Deck the Halls, and then, look at this:

Mommy's miracle in red pajamas: Cassidy Nicole, 11 weeks 3 days

I can barely even believe what I just read when I clicked the link above that took me back to a very different Christmas just one year ago. Only the God who loves us so much and felt the same pain in His heart at us spending last Christmas without our children could mark every item off our Christmas list but do it even better than we ever imagined. We did, indeed, have a sweet little baby in red pajamas under our Christmas tree this year. We took loads of pictures, baked cookies, and opened presents from Santa. We even read Twas the Night Before Christmas and tucked our little princess into bed with visions of sugarplums dancing in her head. This year, so appropriately, Christmas was on Sunday. We got to take our little girl to church for her first time celebrating Jesus's birthday. We said, "Thank you, thank you, thank you, Jesus! Thank you for saving us, and thank you for bringing us our very own Cassidy Nicole." Oh, how we love her.