Happy 1st birthday, Gaby Baby! Daddy and I are celebrating your birthday tonight having fun and remembering you. Daddy is fixing chicken fettuccini Alfredo (that was your last meal—what we ate the night before you were born); I am making a birthday cake; we are going to watch The Patriot, which is the movie where you got your name; and we will dream of what it would be like to have you here eating your very first birthday cake with us.
Your first birthday. Wow. Where did the time go? Yes, even angels grow up too fast. I had seven months with you, and now I’ve already had one year without you.
You remember Mommy’s promise to be okay after you left, my promise to keep living and being happy and not let grief and sorrow rob me of my life after you were gone. I know you’ve watched over me this year. I know you know that promise wasn’t easy to keep. I know you know there were some days, many days, when I didn’t keep my promise.
Mommy doesn’t usually like to make promises she can’t keep. I didn’t make that promise for you, Gabriel. I made it for me. When you were still in my belly and I was forced to think ahead to the time when you wouldn’t be here anymore, I knew it would be hard. Really hard. I knew I would need something to hold onto to keep myself from letting go. A promise to you, my little boy who gave everything for me, would be something I wouldn’t let go of.
Of course, Mommy didn’t know how hard it would really be. I had never had a baby before, so I didn’t know that, even though my head would know you were gone, by body wouldn’t know what happened to you. It spent the first two months searching for you, refusing to listen when my mind told it you were gone. Sometimes, though, I didn’t tell. Sometimes I pretended you really were there, just to make myself feel better.
I hope you understand that I had a lot going against me, and I tried really hard to make you proud of me. I still try really hard every day to make you proud, but part of our deal, Gabriel, was for you to send Tater Tot to me so I would have someone to look forward to. Tater Tot leaving, too, was not part of the deal. Did you know she was going to have to fly away, too? I think you must have known.
One year is a big marker of time when you’ve lost someone you love so much. I learned this when your grandma went to Heaven. From now on, I’ll no longer be able to say, “One year ago I was pregnant with Gabriel, and we did this.” Or “One year ago when Gaby was in my belly, I felt this way.” From now on, it will just be a really long time since I’ve seen you.
Gabriel, Mommy loves you so much, and I’m still so very proud of you and thankful for you. I hope that your first birthday can be a turning point me. I know you understand—I know everyone understands—that I have been sad this year. It’s time for Mommy to straighten up, though. I don’t want to go on living life as a sad person. I don’t want others to think of me as a sad person. I don’t want to think of myself as a sad person. I won’t make any promises about this because I know there will be sad days; there will always be sad days. I’m just going to try a little harder to be a little happier, a little bit more okay.
I love you, Gabriel Nicolas. Happy Heavenly birthday.
Love,
Mommy
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