38 Weeks 4 Days: A Word to Her Adoring Fans

 

Only three days until her birth! I can barely wrap my mind around it, even as she does her signature booty shake inside me while my fingers type this message. As the day and the hour draw so near, I can't help but think, A tiny part of him is coming back to me. 

I think those thoughts with no regret or shameful feelings. I tell you those thoughts without worrying that you'll think I don't appreciate her for who she is or that you will think I expect her to be someone she can never be. I do, however, think some will think it or have already thought it. But, since only a couple of my readers have walked in my shoes, I don't mind telling you that, as Little Sister's birth draws nearer with every moment, I dream of seeing just a glimpse of him in her and of feeling that impossible love that I felt all over again. I dream that the empty space in my arms will be perfectly filled by the one cut from the same mold.

Now, I'll let you in on a little secret--something I might not need to tell you, but it will help me explain something a little better. I literally dream of nursing--not Little Sister, but Gabriel. In the few months following his birth, I used to dream of finding a way to get him back so I could nurse him. In my dreams, though, I never got to nurse my living, breathing, beautiful baby boy. I would dig him back up, take him however I could get him, just to hold him close to me one more time. Since I've been pregnant with this little girl, I have dreamed of him again--dreamed that I would have milk again, milk I could give to him. I dreamed that I dug him up and tried to nurse him. It's because my milk came in after his funeral. Even after he was dead and buried, in another state, far away from me and out of my sight, my mind could not convince my body that he was gone. My body didn't know for a long time. 

So what I want to tell you is, for those of you who live near us, that we would absolutely love for you to come visit us and see and love the beautiful child that you so faithfully prayed into our arms over the last two years. She wouldn't be here without you. BUT, you should be prepared to wait. I'm not going to let anyone but her daddy hold her or come in to see her in the first couple of hours after her birth. It will be just Mommy, Daddy, and Baby Girl until after we nurse. I need this. I've waited for it. I feel like my life depends on it.

The great thing about this sweet girl is she'll be here the next day and the next day and the next day after that. Even next week and next month and next year. I'll try really hard not to be one of those neurotic moms who doesn't let anyone hold her baby . . . when the time is right, of course . . . and if you've scrubbed in like a doctor before you touch her. Ha!

Three days! Three days! Three days!