36 Weeks 4 Days: Just One of the Preggos

Okay. So there weren't near as many pregnant ladies at the FFF (Fall Fun Fest) this year. Last year, they were everywhere, and it was all people that I knew from high school. Last year, the FFF was only eight months after I had Gabriel and just one week after my miscarriage of Tater Tot. Last year I was a wreck--emotionally and physically. I was in so much pain in every way a person can hurt. But it didn't matter. I had a job to do. I had to be my husband's employee, which meant being bossed around in a high-pressure, high-stress situation instead of being comforted and consoled by the only person who had lost as much as I had. There wasn't time for all that. I had to be Mrs. Skinny and serve shake-ups and BBQ nachos with a smile.

But God loves me more than I deserve. As I reread last year's post (linked above), I sat and cried, remembering the never-ending pain of 2010; it's so close and so fresh that I still feel the sting, but then Little Sister moves inside of me, and I feel the cool breath of my Father blowing on my wounds to take the hurt away. Reading last year's Fairfield Fall Fun Fest post and comparing it to my experience last night humbles me. He loves me, and He answers my prayers:


ASKING WHY - Friday September 17, 2010I have told many people that I learned from my experience with Gabriel not to ask why - not to ask why bad things happen to good people, not to ask, "Why me?" But tonight I'm really tired, and I don't have the strength or self-control to prevent myself from asking such a dangerous, self-destructive question. So, I'll take the bait that has been dangling in front of me all day.......WHY??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why can't I be one of the pregnant bellies? One year later, I'm so pregnant I could just pop!

Why can't I be a part of the joyous conversations about due dates, gender, morning sickness, baby showers, and the excitement of an upcoming miracle? One year later, all I talked about all night with admirers of my baby bump was the upcoming due date, how much fun it is to be expecting a girl, and what a miracle she is.

Why do I have to work my butt off selling barbeque nachos and standing on my feet all day long when I should be sitting up on a pedestal right now because I am way too busy with the most important job in the world? Much to everyone's dismay, we did not have concessions this year. Instead, we strolled the festival at a leisurely pace, ate a few snacks, and my husband asked me every 15 minutes if I was feeling okay or needed to sit down and take a break.

Why can't people look at me and ache to have something that I have instead of just gazing at me with pity in their eyes. I don't know that anyone aches to have something that I have, but there were plenty of people who saw me, ran to give me a big hug, rub my belly, and wish us their sincerest congratulations (not their deepest sympathy anymore).

Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why can't I just have my baby back?! You know the answer to this one: I can't have my babies back. As long as I'm on this Earth, they'll always be out of reach, but God is so faithful that He blessed us with someone just as good, just as sweet, just as near and dear to my heart so the waiting won't be so hard. 

AND . . . she'll be here in 17 days!!!

1 Samuel 1:27 (KJV)

"For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him."