Two years ago on Thanksgiving I got really upset and ran out of the room crying after a day of watching everyone in my family have their children with them - everyone but me. I didn't have any children then, but I wanted some - had wanted some for a long time. I also had just come off my first attempt (a failed attempt) at an infertility treatment. I remember how I felt. I felt hopeless.
One year ago on Thankgiving I was 23 weeks pregnant with Gabriel. We had known for about five weeks that he had triploidy syndrome and would die. I don't remember being sad, though. Skyler would say that I wasn't doing all that well, but I just don't remember that. I think it's because, from my perspective now, it sounds so wonderful to be pregnant with him - alive and so close to me. I remember what I thought. I thought I didn't know if he would still be alive at Christmas. I do remember how that felt. It felt scary.
This year on Thanksgiving I should have been 22 weeks pregnant with Tater Tot. Instead, I'm 11 weeks not pregnant with her. Nobody noticed, though. Nobody noticed that Tater Tot wasn't there. Only me. Nobody remembered that Gaby would have been 8 months old at his first Thanksgiving if he was healthy and born on his due date and I got to keep him. No one else was thinking about what it would be like to have him there or what his hair would be like or how captivating his eyes would be. Only me.
My sister-in-law asked me to say the prayer. I wanted to say no because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it, but I don't believe in saying no to praying, so I went ahead. It didn't last very long. I began by thanking God for our family and the food and . . . that's where I got choked up. I wanted to say, "Thank you for Gabriel and Tater Tot" because Skyler and I always say that when we pray. I couldn't, though, because then my family would think I was crazy. So, to keep from looking crazy, I ran out of the room crying. Yeah, that worked!
Later, my niece-in-law brought in her newborn puppy that was about to die. She wanted to save it, but it was too late. He was cold, and he was gasping for air. I couldn't take it. The tiny puppy was just like my Gabriel - cold and gasping for air. Once again, I fled from the room in tears. I don't know why I did that. I never think of Gabriel that way, never let my mind consider that dying was hard for him. The sick puppy made me think of my baby, though. I just wanted it to hurry up and die so it wouldn't hurt anymore. I wanted to tell her to just let it go, not to prolong its suffering.
This pic is where my mind went - my precious, helpless baby, gasping for air.
Hi Bonnie. This Thanksgiving was hard for me too. My Dad passed away this summer, and for 3 years I was his only caregiver. He had both legs amputated and was an alcoholic, so the two of us went through alot together, and not always pleasant! Anyway, I found myself missing him terribly, and randomly crying all day yesterday. It hurts. I have never lost a baby the way you have. I've never had a micarriage, and my 3 children were always healthy. So I don't know how painful yesterday must have been for you. I'm sorry. I did struggle with infertility for almost 2 years, and went through several treatments before finally becoming pregnant. I remember that desperate feeling that my life would never be lived if I could not have children. I have ran from rooms in tears, because I could not handle being around pregnant women. And oh, my goodness! I never saw so many pregnant women as I did when I was trying to get pregnant! They were everywhere! And yes, the Fall Fun Fest was pure torture. They were everywhere. So I do understand a little of your pain, and I am so sorry that it hurts so bad. I think of you often, and pray that you will be blessed with many many babies in your future!
ReplyDeleteBonnie, you did not act crazy...you were just being human! Please know you are loved and appreciated. You are strong and vulnerable at the same time. If you did not get upset sometimes, I would worry more about you. Peace be with you!
ReplyDeleteYou were so strong during everything with Gaby! Too strong if I may says so. I believe people should grieve. I know everyone grieve in there own way but, if you don't let yourself eventually one blows up. I think I is a good thing what happened. Don't feel bad about it! Let yourself feel! And if you can't do it in front of family then who can you? They are the ones that love you the most! We all love you Bon!
ReplyDeleteBonnie,
ReplyDeleteIt is completely understandable that the holiday season will be hard on you. Try not to put unrealistic expectations on yourself. What would you expect of someone else that recently experienced a loss (let alone 2 and of this magnitude)? Try not to expect more from yourself or to put the added stress of "being great" on yourself. Just know you ARE great for putting one foot in front of each other. And know that one day you will look back at this time and see how far you have come and how strong you are. Carol
Bonnie,
ReplyDeleteI think about you often. I am sorry to hear that you have experienced two losses and so close together. I know from personal experience that once is hard enough. I am glad to se that you are writing this journal as a way of expressing your grief. Everyone handles the greiving process in their own way. It is good to see you opening up with this grief even when you feel silly about expressing it at a family function. You and Skyler are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sorry I meant to sign my name. Larissa
ReplyDeleteI find myself wanting to run out of a lot of rooms these days, and your not crazy.
ReplyDeleteEvery one of you all are so sweet and thoughtful in your comments. It is hard to believe that you all can actually care this much about me, that I am able to touch you so deeply. Thank you, for it is obvious that your words are most sincere.
ReplyDelete